Contempt and Warmth

You can have no influence over those for whom you have underlying contempt.

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Contempt is harmful. Our society is plagued with it. People have contempt for their political enemies. Contempt for their spouses. Contempt for one's partner is the number one leading indicator of divorce. Many have contempt for themselves. Warmth breaks contempt.

Expressing and responding with warmth and caring to others is more effective than telling someone they’re wrong. We know this, but it’s rarely done. It’s human for us to criticize others and promote our tribe, but it’s also human to be loyal, trusting, and kind. Striving for the latter is healthier. 

The biggest question I’ve asked myself recently is “what’s the upside?” I don’t mean upside in a selfish “what’s in it for me” type of way-- I mean what’s the upside for the counterparty, for myself, my company, my friends, for society. Oftentimes, there’s miniscule upside for actions. This has been an especially effective model when dealing with drama. Warmth is also effective.

Love is a great predictor of success. Those who show love to others and those who are truly loved tend to succeed in life. They are more likely to live happy and fulfilled lives. Gratitude is also underappreciated. So few reach out to those who have impacted them in massively positive ways. I’m guilty of this. There are people who I think changed my life and enabled positive course corrections who I never properly thanked, perhaps because I know I could never properly thank them. But that’s not how humans work-- humans like being thanked and love giving back. We’re wired to enjoy the act of doing favors for others.

One of my proudest moments was teaching and mentoring two kindergarten students. When I first met them, they were rebellious. They said they didn’t care about chess. They said they didn't care about anything. They kicked my legs under the table during lessons. They wouldn’t study. The only questions they asked were existential: “why does chess matter?” “Why does anything matter?” My old chess teacher referred them to me. I saw him after my first few lessons. I asked my teacher why he referred me to those little monsters. He said: “they remind me of a child I used to teach.” Then gave me a wink. They reminded him of me– potential but extraordinarily difficult. I knew their tricks because they were mine... I played their game.

I was in high school while teaching them. It made me reflect on how I had changed since elementary school, and how I was still changing. Asking me to teach those students ended up being the greatest lesson my chess teacher taught me. They became national chess champions years later.

Many view business as tactical and strategic. It’s true that the 30 Rules of Chess can be ascribed to how one should approach life and business. It works. You just have to read the rules symbolically and know the nuances of chess. But even more on point are Gottman’s seven principles of marriage. They describe how business partners should feel and act towards each other... sans the physical love stuff. At times, warmth can be a more accurate framework to view even business.