“Deep” Rapport

There is nothing more cool than being proud of the things you love.

-Sean Plott

I hate small talk. I don’t care about the weather or sports. I prefer meaningful conversations. I’m a fan of competence and courage. Those who freely express their opinions and are true to themselves make me at ease. There’s a trend in some social circles of when meeting someone, attempting to immediately go emotionally deep. This forced “deep” rapport is worse than small talk.

The purpose of rapport is to get to know someone. Before jumping into deep rapport, I want to know if I like the other person. What do they spend their time on? Do they share similar world views? Are they fun and dynamic? Can they spar? This is table stakes before going deep.

The forced nature of jumping in the deep end when meeting someone brand new feels fake. It’s attempting to create a deep connection when no initial connection exists. It’s turning the volume to 11 when the speakers aren’t connected.

What irks me is that it’s insincere. They don’t really care. It’s often how an aspie person learned to interact with others. It reeks of a dude who just read a pick up artist book and is now talking to women. Once you know the signs, it’s instantly recognizable— the lines they use, the jolted delivery, the lack of confidence in their body language and behind their eyes. The more they practice, the better they get overtime, but it’s still not who they truly are. The purpose of pick up artists and shaman sharing circles isn’t to become like them. The purpose is to gain confidence to be your best natural self.

Anyone who pushes for immediate deep rapport raises a red flag.

Doth Protest Too Much

The guy who is super against gay marriage is gay. The person who says drugs are evil and brags about not doing drugs is addicted to opiates. Those who loudly proclaim how much they hate drama and never have any drama have drama. The man who is super passionate about women’s rights gets #metoo’ed. The guy whose favorite conversation is how woke people are such snowflakes is afraid to visit a big city. Those who flaunt that having a life/CEO coach makes them even keel are narcissistic and volatile. The philosopher who views everything through the lens of oppression and power dynamics has a sick sexual kink around power dynamics. The shaman who proclaims they’re emotionally deep and connected to people lacks emotional integrity and is disconnected from reality. The person who pushes to go into deep rapport immediately is hollow.

They’re all the same. It’s projecting their own insecurity.

Balanced, secure people don’t go around saying how balanced and secure they are. Smart people don’t go around saying how smart they are. Wealthy people don’t go around saying how wealthy they are. Confident, happy people don’t go around telling everyone how confident and happy they are. They don’t have to. They just are.

“Deep”

I have deep conversations with those I trust. I know their intentions when they provide feedback. It’s natural to have meaningful conversations because we know each other. This is rare. Lack of religion and deep relationships make it so many under share. 

Most people under share their emotions and insecurities. They don’t talk about their greatest fears nor what they want to accomplish in life. It’s important to have an outlet to share our deepest thoughts and feelings. For those without anyone to talk to, fake deep rapport may be better than nothing.

Real World

When you first meet someone, you don’t grab them by the pussy. It’s rude. Going straight into deep rapport is the emotional equivalent of grabbing someone by the pussy as an introduction. Some social norms have good reasons behind them.

Banter and rapport should be switched back and forth. Deep rapport should only be a thing after going into rapport a few times.

The upside of opening up to someone you just met is low. It can be exhaustive. You need to know someone’s actions and intentions to truly know them. We don’t know someone’s baseline when first meeting them. We can’t know what they mean with so few words. Assumptions that fill in the blanks are subjective and paint the wrong picture. 

Similarly, you can’t promote someone you hired a week ago. Time in role is huge. Sure, you can promote them faster than the typical 18 months, but you still need time in role. For all you know, they were in a manic state the first couple months you worked with them and will crash and burn next month. You need to observe consistent behavior and improvement in various scenarios before knowing who they truly are. 

For those who don’t have anyone to share with, they can misattribute forced deep rapport as a real deep connection. It’s why cults practice forced deep rapport. It bonds those who feel disconnected. But it’s not real. It’s sad because those taken in by cults lack meaningful relationships and are seeking connection and community.

There are no shortcuts when getting to know someone. 

When opening a door to a dark room, you need to go in first. You can’t ask the other person to go in and watch them from outside. You’re the one who opened the door. You need to go in first to show them it’s safe. Even better, instead of going into a sketchy dark room, go into a lit room and work your way to the dark room. If you pay attention, you’ll learn a lot about someone long before you’re in the dark room.

It’s great to open up, but make it natural.