DIY Therapy

There's something in our heads on the day we're born, and then we grow up and make choices.

-Jonathan Haidt

This post is not for everyone. This is only useful advice for those who are both self aware and disciplined. If you’re the type that needs a trainer or class to work out, this post isn’t for you. For those who can do without trainers, read on. 

Most people need a third party/therapist to help them with internal issues and to hold them accountable. If you have the right skills, you don’t need one.

Humans have the ability to make our conscious actions unconscious. It takes time and practice, but it’s an amazing skill. It’s how we learn to walk, to run, to drive, and to play any sport. We can also make our conscious thoughts become unconscious thoughts. We can actively train ourselves to frame the world the way we want to frame it.

If you’re pessimistic, get depressed, or are sometimes upset with the world, there’s a simple formula for curing this. Each time you have a negative thought, think three contrary positive thoughts. Three for one. That’s it. That’s the rule.

You have to do it every time you have a negative thought. No exceptions. If you don’t immediately force yourself to think three contrary positive thoughts, then your confirmation bias kicks in and your emotions will spiral down. Stop the downward spiral.

Thinking three contrary positive thoughts for each negative thought is a simple, hard thing. Do it for each insecurity. There are only so many negative thoughts and insecurities one can have.

To perform cognitive behavioral therapy on yourself, you have to acknowledge whenever an insecurity arises. This can be tough. You have to actively acknowledge the insecurity, then kill it. For example:

• “I’m not smart.” Think of 3 positive counterexamples. Make them concrete. Make them real– I set the curve on that high school physics test. I won that trivia competition. I was the only person right about how to get home. The next time “I’m not smart” comes up as an insecurity, repeat the same three positive counterexamples. If you do this each time, by the tenth time this negative thought surfaces, you’ll automatically think of counterexamples. Soon enough, the insecurity will just fade away. It sounds crazy, but it works. You just need to do it over and over again.

• “I don’t belong here.” Imposter syndrome is common when young and successful. This goes away with time. With enough external validation, it sinks in that you’re competent. That’s how it worked for my friends and me. When having imposter syndrome, think three concrete positive thoughts– I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t deserve it. The team respects my opinions. My last project was a huge success. I can articulate and confidently defend my work. Use concrete examples to make it stick.

• “My life sucks.” You live in the best time to be alive and in one of the safest and freest countries in the world. You have access to all the world’s information at your fingertips. You have friends and family who love and care about you. You can learn any skill and go into any field. You have your health. Reading history helps put things in perspective here.

Consciously created positive thoughts become your immune system to negative thoughts. When negative thoughts come up, your mental immune system will kick in. Positive thoughts become a reaction.

This is proven to work. I learned this when reading my favorite psychology book sixteen years ago, The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt.

Adlerian psychology has truth. We’re in the very present moment. Trauma is learned in our unconscious. We have negative unconscious thoughts and actions we suffer from. But we’re capable of consciously addressing these problems. We can consciously reframe our world. Our unconscious will eventually adopt our conscious thoughts and actions.

This only works when you put in the effort to reframe your thoughts. Beyond being self aware and disciplined, you have to want to change.

I had an ex who loved being depressed. She thought it was artistic and deep. “Feel the urban ennui.” She was brilliant and disciplined enough to manage her depression, but she preferred to bask in it. I’m predisposed to depression, but I’m the opposite.

As soon as I learned I could cure it, I did. It took me a couple years of metacognition and reframing. Given, I’m weird. I did this myself for the same reason I don’t like work out classes. Maybe a therapist could have done it for me. Maybe a therapist could have done it faster, but I doubt it. My friends who see therapists see them for the rest of their lives. I never did and never had to. I prefer to solve problems myself. Anyone can. It just takes work.

I thought everyone knew this. I thought it was common knowledge that reframing thoughts is the basis of all cognitive behavioral therapy. One of my greatest insecurities was that others are thinking what I’m thinking. Of all my negative thoughts, it took me the longest to get over. 

Most people don’t know you can perform therapy on yourself. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. Executing is the harder half.