I’m Weird

It’s weird not to be weird.

-John Lennon

I’ve always been different. There are others like me. Others who are weird. That’s great. Being weird makes life interesting. 

As part of being weird, I have my quirks. I was watching footage from a documentary whose footage I’m categorizing. I saw my dad take his chapstick and touch a chess board with it eight times. Each area he touched with the closed chapstick was at the very end of the chessboard and in the middle of each square. He did it quickly, while telling an intricate story. He barely glanced at his hand holding the chapstick while doing it. Most people would watch the clip and not notice. Those who noticed would think it was just random fidgeting. To me, it struck a chord. It was an epiphany. Of course he does that, I do that all the time. 

There are hundreds of little motor actions I take everyday to satisfy my compulsions. If I touch one side of my computer, I need to touch the other side. It feels better. If I don’t satisfy the urge, I feel uneasy. Distracted. It clouds my mind. When I do it, my mind clears, and I go back to my train of thought.

What’s remarkable is how many of these actions I take. I do them unconsciously. I’ve done a dozen this morning. 

I don’t know the cost of these actions. Are the actions making me stupid? Or are the actions the only thing keeping me sane? Some people need their coffee in the morning. Some people need a drink or smoke after work. I just need my weird little actions to make my world symmetrical. 

I’ve talked to my family about our quirks. We all have weird minor compulsions. Some of us count every step when we walk stairs or have a twitch. Some of us step in deliberate places when walking about in relation to objects or touch objects in a symmetrical fashion. I’ve done the last two since I can remember. No one ever called me out for it or mentioned it. I only learned my family has similar quirks a few years back when we were discussing how our brains are different.

If I snapped and went insane, I know exactly the type of insane person I’d become. I’d need everything done a certain way or all would not be right in the world. I’d be apologetic but assertive. It just has to be this way. I could explain in detail. It would make sense to me. Why can’t others understand? And with enough time, others would come to understand my insane framework.

When I read Patrick Rothfuss’ The Slow Regard of Silent Things, it felt too close to home. It follows a character who has clearly lost her mind due to something. Items belong in certain places. She anthropomorphizes inanimate objects. She talks to herself and the inanimate objects and has her own adventure all around talking to herself and the inanimate objects. She can only be around people she trusts. Maybe it was fascinating to others. To me, I got it. Immediately. But it kept going. I was reading a book about a batshit insane version of myself. If quirks of mine were turned up to 11, I could be that person. Luckily, according to a DNA test, I’m in the 0th percentile for becoming psychotic. But it was like reading a horror story. I despise horror. It was too close.

Other Weird Stuff

My dad is naturally oblivious to a ton of things in life. I can act like I’m oblivious and easily compartmentalize. I can compartmentalize to the point of seeming oblivious. I always thought it was my Jewish side with that weird quirk. But no, much of it is from my Irish, Viking side. 

I sometimes feel like an outside observer of humanity. Large crowds and groupthink make me feel distant to society. Many on the spectrum have this, except I feel I deeply understand others. But I’m not affected the same way. My emotions are often something I can brush away if inconvenient when needing to be logical. This isn’t always true.

My hearing is super sensitive. I can listen to multiple conversations at once. I’m actually switching back and forth between conversations. I’ve been called out for this. People are shocked when I interject in a separate conversation then go back to the one I was leading. The downside is that I can’t tune any conversation out. It’s the same reason I don’t listen to music when I work as I can’t stop my brain from listening intently. When there are auditory distractions, staying focused on one task is mentally exhausting. I can either turn my brain completely off or listen.

I am who I am. We should acknowledge our weirdness. My interests in history, film, musicals, technology, writing, dance, psychology, comedy, economics, philosophy, religion, art, storytelling, meditation, government, design, and the human condition all make sense to me. This isn’t normal. Normal sucks. Be weird.