Offense
Avoiding offense means that we don't accept each other as equals.
-Ayaan Hirsi Ali
One meditation technique is to locate your sense of self. To pinpoint the source of your consciousness. Where are you?
The purpose of the technique is to demonstrate how it’s impossible to truly locate our source of consciousness. Some think they are in their head, behind their eyes. But with practice, you can move your sense of self to different parts of your head, your body or even outside your body. Richard Feynmann practiced moving his consciousness outside his body during multi-hour meditation sessions, while inside a sensory deprivation tank. He sometimes took ketamine (it likely helped).
Where we think of ourselves has wide ranging implications to the rest of our lives. We’re most sensitive to what we consider closest to us psychologically, physically, and spiritually.
Let’s consider what makes people offended.
Physically
Far away from our sense of self.
If someone tells you:
you dripped sauce on your shirt. You thank them.
you have a smudge on your hand or foot, you thank them.
you have something in your face, it’s a bit more embarrassing.
you have a booger hanging out your nose, it’s more embarrassing.
Close to sense of self.
If someone tells you:
you have BO, it’s embarrassing. Maybe offensive.
you have bad breath, it’s even more embarrassing/potentially offensive.
you have a big nose/are ugly or fat, it’s most offensive.
Notice how the offense increases as it gets closer to our sense of self. Something on hand vs something on face vs something out of nose vs physical characteristics you can’t easily change.
Psychologically
Plausible deniability.
If someone tells you:
you’re bad at a sport you don’t play. This isn’t offensive as this sport isn’t close to you
your stove gas is on. You’re embarrassed but grateful.
you’re doing an exercise incorrectly. A little embarrassing but can easily be corrected and maybe you were taught wrong.
These are viewed as not as close to ourselves because it may not be our fault. It could have been someone else who turned the gas on accidentally.
No plausible deniability
If someone tells you:
you’re awful at a sport you play all the time. This is offensive as you pride yourself on this activity.
they hate your favorite show.
your ideas are wrong. They debate and prove you wrong. This is offensive. Our ideas are close to us.
you’re bad at sex. Offensive as very personal and close to self worth.
you’re bad at your job. Extremely offensive as this is what you spend most of your time/life doing.
Spiritually
Making fun of religion, tribe, belief we don’t believe in
If someone:
trashes the Warriors basketball team, and you’re a Lakers fan. You aren’t offended.
trashes Christians and you’re a Buddhist. You aren’t offended.
makes fun of how naively stupid Democrats are and you’re apolitical. You’re not offended.
Making fun of religion, tribe, belief we believe in
If someone:
trashes the Warriors, and you’re a hardcore Warriors fan. You’re offended.
trashes Christians and you’re a devout Christian. You’re offended.
makes fun of how naively stupid Democrats are and you’re a devout Democrat. You’re offended.
Our sacred cows are sacred to us.
Identity
We’re most offended by things we associate with our identity. Things that are close to us psychologically, physically, and spiritually.
Should we be? Is offense useful? I agree with Seneca and Marcus Aurelius. Being truly offended or angry is not a useful emotion. You should be able to summon anger, and use it for your betterment to show your feelings. But actually losing control of one's emotions is not useful nor practical for a leader.
We should be aware of things that may offend others… to an extent. If a friend finds the English language offensive, you may have to learn a new language. If a friend finds the color of your skin offensive, you may need to find new friends.
I prefer the frame of acknowledging we all have plausible deniability. Given everyone’s genes and life experiences, there but for the grace of God go I. When corrected, we should act the same way when someone tells us our gas stove was left on.
The other solution is to slaughter the sacred cows. Whether you’re offended or not, isn’t a useful metric. Taking a lighter approach to life is more fun and lets us grow our community.