Breakups

Nobody ever had a rainbow, baby; Until he had the rain

-Jim Croce— Tomorrow’s Gonna be a Brighter Day

Having someone quickly go from a top priority to a low/non-priority is a weird process. It happens when changing jobs or after the death of a friend or loved one. It also happens after a breakup.

Shifting Priorities

Sometimes you grow apart. Other times, you learn more about yourself or more about your partner. What you didn’t know changed your view.

After my first serious breakup, I was broken. My world stopped. I lost the motivation to do anything. The emptiness I felt was unbearable.

I lay in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. It was as if a part of me had been ripped away, leaving me hollow. I’d never experienced something like it before.

When I finally made my way out into the world, I had a hilarious experience. My first thought was to share it with them… but no, they aren’t someone I message anymore. After every positive experience, my muscle memory was to message them. I’d stop, and my heart would sink. It took the zest out of life.

The effort I spent getting to know them, learning about their hopes and dreams, and sharing my own. The inside jokes, the late-night conversations, and the memories we made together. Would I ever get to know someone as I knew them? Would anyone get to know me as they did?

It's hard to come to accept that the person who was once so significant in your life is now someone you don't know. They didn’t die and you both may even love each other’s company, but you don’t want to be together. The only thing worse than being apart is being in a relationship together.

All or Nothing

When zooming out, it’s funny how accepted and strange breakups are. Either your partner is your best friend and the person you spend the most time with, and it goes on until you die. Or you break up and never really talk with or see them again.

As an adult, it feels like such a waste. The amount of time spent learning how they view the world. The time spent telling stories about our lives and getting to know each other. For what? I should have known— there were signs it wouldn’t work out early on. There are always signs.

Actions and Words

No one is ever the villain in their story. We rationalize our actions.

Maybe they weren’t who they said they were. Who fully is? People don’t know themselves. A third party observing our behavior perceives it differently than how we interpret our own actions.

Actions and words correlate less than we think. It’s why skipping straight to deep rapport is such bullshit. People can say anything. There’s no substitute for spending time with someone.

Growth

Being single is fun, but going too long outside a relationship isn’t healthy. It’s nice to lose myself. To be convinced that something would work out. Even if it never had a chance of working out, for a moment, I believed it did. It’s a beautiful feeling.

Everyone I’ve dated for over a few months has said they learned a lot from me. But I’ve learned as much from them. Especially as a guy who didn’t grow up with sisters, aspects of my life were influenced by my exes. I see it reflected from the clothes I wear to art I appreciate to how I empathize and process and convey emotions. 

Moving On

A relationship is really just two people going out of their way to do nice things for each other. Then one day, you decide to stop doing so many nice things for each other.

It’s common to casually see each other in the months after. Contrary to conventional relationship advice, studies show this can even be healthy. Either way, you eventually have to move on.

Take care of your physical, emotional, and mental health. Make sure you're eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly. Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it's spending time with friends, listening to music, or taking up a new hobby.

Acknowledge and accept your feelings. It's okay to feel sad, angry, or frustrated. These are part of the healing process, but don’t let them consume you. Try to focus on the positive aspects, i.e. We weren't meant to be together, but that doesn't mean that our time together wasn't valuable. In the end, I'm grateful for the moments we shared, even if they're just memories now. They helped shape who I am, and I'll always cherish them.

I never understood why people talk shit about their exes. It’s someone I decided to spend time with and care for. It’d be talking shit about myself. It’s hard to know ourselves let alone someone else. There’s no way to know someone without dating.

The Princess is in Another Castle

The process of getting to know someone is full of wonder and surprise. Even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll inevitably learn something. 

Dating is an adventure where you never know what you’ll find. It’s a great forcing function to meet new, interesting people. My only dating advice is to leave them better off than when you found them.