The Saddest Funeral
This is how humans are: We question all our beliefs, except for the ones that we really believe in, and those we never think to question.
-Orson Scott Card, Speaker for the Dead
I’ve been to my share of funerals. The saddest funeral was where no one spoke from the heart. No one cried. I think he was a good person and had depth. But the funeral made a convincing case that they lived an unexamined life.
I’m a fan of Speaker for the Dead eulogies, where a third party interviews relevant people in the deceased’s life. The speaker then delivers a radically candid public eulogy. This funeral was the opposite.
None of the speakers, including family members, were emotional. The stories recalled facts and events around gambling and womanizing, e.g., a story about the deceased lying to a bouncer saying his friend is famous, then getting a free table and partying. Another story about how the departed saw a wealthy woman who wanted to marry him; he enjoyed the luxuries of her life and then discarded her.
He wasn’t a member of any members' clubs, but everyone thought he was because he’d walk in acting like a member. One of his friends gave a speech talking about their antics, and at the end of each story, would say, “Sound familiar?” It was like a drunk best man telling inappropriate stories at a wedding. But this was a funeral! They were doing this at a fucking funeral.
The dad played a recording of a mildly funny prank call. Then, the dad gave his student one of his rackets and a pair of shoes. The whole thing felt detached. This was happening at a funeral. The deceased came off as a Peter Pan.
Maybe it was because he lacked roots. He didn’t possess true community.
He was a huge gambler and would celebrate like crazy when he won. He was great at sports but not the best. The highest he got was being a top 900 tennis player in the world, and you can’t make a living unless you’re top 100.
He had wealthy benefactors who would support him, and he’d be their coach in whatever sport they preferred. His coaching didn’t lead to improvement for his students; It was all about his benefactors having fun playing the sport. The nicest thing someone said was how he drove her car to the airport once.
No one came close to breaking down or seeming sad. Attendees were more excited about the party afterward.
People wore athleisure. It was requested, but even so, you’d think they’d wear black athleisure. Not tank tops and bright colors. Something to show respect.
He died in a car accident where he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. The car went off the road and hit a tree. He instantly died, while a woman he was seeing walked away from the crash unharmed.
It was my first time going to the funeral of an acquaintance. Every other funeral I’ve been to has been of someone related to me, or I knew well. I hope most funerals aren’t like this. Disturbingly empty. An unexamined life lived. Maybe I just live in a bubble… but I like to think that everyone possesses depth.
How do you want to be remembered? What do you want people to say at your funeral? What do you want people to tell their friends when they go home after your funeral?