Regrets

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.

-Arthur Miller, The Ride Down Mt. Morgan

My friend told me she has no regrets about past relationships. Absolutely none. Of course we have regrets. Of course there are things we wish we did, we wish we said. Failure is how we learn about ourselves, others, and the world around us. It’s ok to admit failure. It’s ok to have regrets.

Imagine what living a life of no regrets actually means. Think of the worst thing you’ve ever done. How you hurt someone or got into an accident. You would have to feel nothing. More than nothing, you’d have to be glad you hurt the person. You’d be glad you got into the accident. It was your best possible action at the time. You’d have to think every consequence leading to every ending was perfect. Having no regrets means you’re either oblivious or in denial.

The same is true of living in the moment. Yes, it’s great to be present. But to live 100% in the moment is something only a sociopath would do– you’d pay no concern for the future or past you. Why create anything of value if you’re in the moment? Why do anything that compounds over time? Being in the moment is performative. So is having no regrets.

It’s healthy to have regrets. What makes humans special is our ability to adapt to circumstances. We adapt by learning from our past mistakes. We learn from past relationships, business decisions, and actions we take. Regrets inform our decision making ability. Using the negative association/feeling around wrong, past actions corrects future actions.

The conflicting truth is that every decision has made you the person you are today. Hopefully, you like the person you are today. Or at least appreciate the person you are today. It’s still not healthy to dwell on regrets. The same way it’s not healthy to worry. Don’t cry over spilled milk. 

I regret overthinking social situations beforehand. It only helps when it’s a public speech. But that’s more in the writing process and performance for how I’ll deliver lines. If it’s a casual social interaction, I’m less natural if I think about it beforehand. My social self has a flow state, I have to lean into.

Knowledge is knowing; wisdom is doing. The feeling and experience around actions we regret inform our future selves. We should regret only the actions that we want to change. We should regret and act differently in the future based upon our regrets. Regrets are a tool to refine our model of the world.